Faith

I’m starting a new professional journey. I’ve decided to do something wild and woolly: I’m going to live and be guided by my heart. I’m a writer. I’m a communicator. I’m a storyteller. I’m going to find people and organizations that want to employ those skills. It’s time. I need to find out now what it feels like to run on all fucking cylinders. It’s simple enough to state that as intention. In fact, it’s felt very organic and “right” to set out on this professional journey with just that much in my pocket.

But here’s the catch: you also have to have faith. And faith is a tricky thing. Sometimes faith comes to the party attached at the hip with doubt. You don’t recognize it until faith gets good and comfortable and decides to be noticed. I know this because I have had a few moments of doubt during this so-far-short journey. OK, I’ve had more than a few moments of doubt. I’ve had several dozen moments of doubt. OK, maybe a few more moments than that; but in the end – always in the end – faith shows herself and I realize that I’ve not been alone in the room with doubt. I realize that faith was there in the background biding her time.

I think that’s one of the things I love most about faith. She’s not impatient to be front and center. She sits quietly beside me, largely unseen, and waits for me to look away from the doubt. She waits for me to get weary of the inevitable and mesmerizing soliloquy that doubt brings to any gathering. That soliloquy about how dangerous to follow dreams, to believe the stories I tell myself about talent and heart and the feeling that I’m called to a new direction. Doubt will always pee on the parade when the conversation turns to remuneration; and doubt will invariably put a question mark after the word “enough”. Enough talent? Enough money? Enough energy? Inspiration? Faith in the meantime shakes her head. She doesn’t kick doubt out of the party – she came to the party with doubt. But just when you think doubt will never shut the fuck up with that incessant whine, faith gently intercedes.

What on earth is it that faith could say to assuage all the many doubts? Very little, as it turns out. But just when you think doubt has totally ruined the moment, faith will whisper something badass in my ear: “Oh yeah?” Or, “Why not?” I love that faith has such an elegant economy of words. And what’s more, faith doesn’t pretend to have answers – I’ve never heard faith tell me how I’m going to do something. Faith has never posited a well-formed solution to any given problem. But faith is my best friend because she tells me that I have what I need to do what I’m called to do. Faith knows I have in me several different approaches for arriving at a few, creative solutions. Faith is that best friend that says “You got this.” In fact, faith is so powerful and so badass because she came with doubt. They each have their respective jobs. Doubt sheds light on all the wimpy fears that cower under beds and lurk in unexamined corners. I need doubt to excavate those fears and put them out there for me to see. It’s at that point that faith will whisper some badass comeback in my ear and send fear clattering. Doubt has done its work in drawing out those clattering fears, and faith has ushered them to the door.

I suspect that once those fears have been shown the door a number of times, they’ll get tired of coming to my parties. Or, maybe I’ll station doubt by the door to announce their arrival and make sure those nimble fears don’t recede again into dark, undusted corners. But Faith – she sits next to me.